Why Passion Fades When We Know a Partner “Too Well”

Reigniting intimacy through therapy. A transformative moment as two women engage in relationship therapy. One partner, with brown skin, leans towards their therapist, maintaining eye contact, while tenderly hold her partner’s arm. The other, with fair skin, thoughtfully processes the insights gain during session.

Is it normal for sexual desire to decrease once you've become comfortable with a long-term partner? When making the transition from sexual partner to "family member" as our commitment to the other person grows, it's very easy for those exciting feelings of early intimacy to wane. It's normal for some of the initial passion that drew two people together to fade. In fact, loving someone as a "whole person" apart from your attraction to them is a sign of a mature relationship. However, feeling comfortable doesn't mean living without the passion and eroticism required for a healthy connection. Let's talk about what happens when sexual desire decreases due to a partner being so "familiar."

Is it Normal to View a Partner as a Family Member

The tasks that go into maintaining a family, keeping up with household chores, looking after pets, and caring for kids or aging parents can help to solidify a couple's bond. It can also make lovers begin to feel like friends or siblings. As we get deeper into domestic life with another person, it's very easy to lose a sense of the individual self. When this happens, the initial parts of what attracted two people fade. The shared erotic relationship that was once enjoyed has been replaced by a very practical, transactional relationship that's focused more on to-do lists than fantasies. While many couples back off from sexual connection during times of stress and busyness, Esther Perel points out that eroticism is actually a life force that keeps couples connected.

"When we invite Eroticism into our relationship, that container of permission expands around the couple, holding us together by a shared sense of wonder that both grounds and excites us," shares Perel. As we allow eroticism to fall away, we often start to feel sexually self-conscious around a partner even though we feel closer to them than ever before. This can leave us questioning if we've fallen out of love. Some people might begin seeking the thrill of unfamiliar eroticism outside of the relationship.

Using Familiarity to Build a Better Relationship

While familiarity can decrease sexual desire when we aren't intentionally embracing eroticism, it can actually increase intimacy when we have the right tools. One of the best ways to return to the connection that you had before "life got in the way" is to make an effort to bring desire back. One simple way to do this is to engage in new experiences with your partner. These experiences don't necessarily need to be sexual. Something like rock climbing can be an incredible way to experience something new and exhilarating with your partner.

Additionally, engaging in activities that awaken the senses can help to rekindle the fun of a "date night." Think back to the sensations that marked the early era of your relationship. The smell of candles, the aromas of cooking a meal together, or the whispers of a special scent you used to wear can all help to bring you back to that erotic mindset.

If you're in a lull due to decreased sexual desire, emotionally focused therapy or sex therapy could help you to learn tools for stronger intimacy. Many couples are afraid to face the fact that their attraction has decreased with time because they think that admitting this common reality spells the end of a relationship. With the right tools, your most erotic days as a couple may be ahead of you! Contact our office today!