Not Just a Last Resort: When to Go to Couples Therapy

I recently read that it takes the average couple six years to seek therapy after hitting turbulence in their romantic relationship. A lot of destruction can be done in those six years. It's unfortunate that society has normalized the idea of using couples therapy as a last resort!

As a therapist, the one point I wish to get across to all couples is that you don't need to be in a crisis to benefit from therapy. Therapy is a great place to fill up our emotional toolkits to ensure that we can deal with conflict in healthy ways when it inevitably springs up.

Of course, one myth that keeps many couples from seeking therapy is that experiencing conflict means that you aren't really "in love." For many couples, seeking therapy is like admitting failure.

The truth is that couples therapy is a sign that both parties are committed to investing deeply in a relationship. Relationship counseling isn't necessarily the last stop for couples! It's often the first step to improve your communication skills and build a deeper bond and a healthy relationship. In this post, I'll cover the warning signs that may be signaling when it's time to go to couples therapy.

What Are the Signs You Need to Go to Couples Therapy?

First, no couple needs to wait for a neon sign to appear before considering couples counseling. As a couples therapist, I routinely help couples who are choosing to seek therapy proactively as part of a plan for creating a safe, welcoming relationship. However, there are some telltale signs that it's time to consider speaking with a couples therapist or marriage counselor about issues that are surfacing in your relationship.

1. You Don't Feel Like You're Being Heard

There's nothing nurturing about feeling like you are screaming into a void! Communication is the top reason why couples seek couples therapy and marriage counseling. Even couples that think they're seeking counseling for another issue are often ultimately suffering from issues stemming from poor communication. What does poor communication look like? It feels like you're not being heard. It also feels like having a partner who is constantly accusing you of not listening.

When we're suffering from poor communication, our partner can feel like a stranger. We may dread even the simplest of conversations because we know that they can lead to arguments. A counselor can help to equip you with tools for hearing, understanding, and connecting with your partner in all of the different scenarios where you're struggling with communication issues.

2. You're Struggling to Tell Your Partner Something Important

A therapy setting can be a supportive environment and a safe space, where you discuss topics that you find difficult to bring up with your partner. The presence of a trained professional can ensure the conversation stays on track and partners find common ground. Many people find that they are able to overcome their fears or feelings of discomfort when a counselor is helping to move the conversation along. Couples therapy sessions can be especially helpful in cases where one partner wants to open up about sexual preferences, compulsive habits, gender issues, past trauma, or feelings of dissatisfaction.

3. There's a Dysfunctional Dynamic in the Relationship

You may be wondering what to do next if you've identified a dysfunctional dynamic in your relationship. You don't want to give up. You have hope that you're going to get through the difficult times and things can change for the better. However, you also know that you need concrete tools to help you preserve the relationship. Some common forms of dysfunction that inspire people to seek therapy with a partner include passive-aggressive behavior, criticism, contempt, jealousy, anger, defensiveness, stonewalling, and infidelity.

4. You've Been Through a Major Life Event

A major life event can throw a relationship off its axis. When you emerge from the tumult of the experience, you may feel like you can no longer recognize your partner or have lost the emotional connection that you once used to have. Illness, loss of a loved one, a major life tragedy, or a major life change can all leave your relationship feeling unfamiliar. In couples therapy, you will have an opportunity to find your way back to one another to strengthen your bond.

5. You Want to Create a Foundation for Success Before Getting Married

If you're either engaged or thinking about becoming engaged, premarital counseling is a powerful resource for making sure you're on the same page. Talking about expectations for day-to-day life prior to getting married can help both partners set up realistic expectations that can prevent resentment down the road.

For example, one topic that's important to cover prior to marriage is the division of household tasks. This is one of the areas of life where deep-seated resentments kick in when one partner feels that they are unfairly taking on a larger burden than the other partner. Other topics to cover in premarital couples counseling can include how often a couple will visit with extended family, where holidays will be spent, and how finances will be handled. It's also wise for couples to discuss desires related to having children, living in a city versus living in the suburbs, and how career choices will be made.

6. There's an Issue With Sexual Intimacy

Sexual counseling for couples allows couples to discuss aspects of their intimate relationship in a safe, understanding setting. Topics that can be covered during the counseling sessions include mismatched libido, sexual dissatisfaction, sexual infidelity, and porn addiction. Many couples find that the physical intimacy issues that are impacting their relationships are also tied to other areas of the relationship.

7. A Relationship Has Trust Issues

Trust issues can manifest in many different ways in a relationship. In one scenario, a couple may be trying to recover from infidelity. In another, a relationship may be suffering because one partner is constantly suspicious of the other. Fear of infidelity isn't the only source of trust issues in relationships. A partner may simply feel like they can't trust their partner to be there for them in life.

Try Couples Therapy Online

If you're wondering when to go to relationship therapy, the truth is that it's probably already time to begin exploring the issues that are on your mind. I created Liberate via Therapy to provide couples with a safe, sex-positive, and stigma-free setting for counseling. I currently offer online marriage counseling to clients in Florida and California. Contact me today to book your first session!