Navigating Dry Spells: How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

The image depicts a nighttime scene in a bedroom. A woman, lying in bed and appearing wide awake with a contemplative or worried expression, is facing the camera. Beside her, another person is sleeping soundly, turned away from the camera. The room is dimly lit by a bedside lamp, creating a moody atmosphere that emphasizes the contrast between the woman's wakefulness and the other person's sleep. The background includes curtains and a visible alarm clock, suggesting it is late at night

Is it a sign of trouble when intimacy dries up? While it's easy to feel doubts and insecurities when sex isn't coming as naturally as it once did in a relationship, slowing down in the bedroom doesn't necessarily mean you need to sound the alarm bells. However, this can be an indicator that something in the relationship is out of balance. Let's have a conversation about navigating dry spells.

Is a Dry Spell a Problem?

If you're feeling uncertain about your sexual connection with your partner due to a decrease in frequency, you can consider your dry spell to be a problem. Like any aspect of your relationship, your sexual connection with your partner requires attention. However, it's also important to know that the question of a dry spell being an issue isn't just about asking about how long is too long to go without sex in a relationship. It's more about discovering why one partner might be avoiding sex.

There's no magic number to hit when it comes to sexual frequency in a healthy relationship. Being busy, dealing with stress, or handling illness can all cause sex to be put on the back burner at different points in a relationship. What's more, sexual frequency can decrease with time in comfortable, secure relationships. Yes, you might be perfectly normal if you're having less sex than you did when your relationship was new. When researchers conducted an in-depth analysis involving 17 long-term married couples, they found that sexual experiences changed over time. Even more interesting is the fact that all couples involved in the study experienced declines in sexual frequency. However, many couples reported that the quality of their sexual experiences had increased. This is important because it offers a different view on the concept of a "dry spell" that looks more like simply finding a new rhythm. A satisfying sex life that involves less frequent sex may not really be a dry spell at all. It's simply a natural evolution for some couples.

What a Sex Dry Spell Can Mean in a Relationship

For couples who are experiencing "sex deserts" in their relationship, the issue may not be as simple as life getting in the way of being intimate. There are often underlying reasons why one partner is pulling away. Here's a look at some common reasons why couples stop having sex:

●       Resentment: One partner may be withholding sex either consciously or subconsciously because they have resentment. Resentment can stem from a limitless number of things. In some cases, one partner may feel that the other isn't pulling their weight in terms of household chores or childcare duties. A person could feel hurt or betrayed because they are aware that their partner is viewing pornography or engaging in fantasies online. When one partner pulls away out of resentment, the other partner is left to feel rejected.

●       Lack of Knowledge: It's possible that one partner is "done" with sex because they never truly had the knowledge or confidence needed to enjoy it. After the initial phase of a relationship, they seemingly "retire" their sexuality because they get nothing out of sex.

●       Trauma History: Trauma can cause a person to feel uncomfortable or fearful of sex. In addition to being physically painful, sex can create an uncomfortable rollercoaster of emotions that brings them back to a state of feeling vulnerable and helpless.

●       Becoming Parents: It's very common for new parents to find that getting back into the swing of things sexually is harder than they imagined. Generally, postpartum decreased arousal lasts six to nine months. It can last longer in cases of traumatic birth experiences. Researchers who have looked into the phenomenon of low libido in new moms have actually found that postpartum women appear to experience a decrease in sexual interest as a feature of a more generalized decrease in amygdala responsiveness. That can be good news to hear for a partner who believes they must be doing something wrong!

●       Concerns About Body Image: It's hard to feel sexy when you don't feel desirable. A 2016 study found that women with positive body image had higher sexual function valuation when compared to women with negative body image. Satisfaction with body shape was a predictor of sexual function!

●       Gender Issues: When one partner is struggling with gender identity or uncertain feelings about gender roles, intimacy can become difficult.

●       Performance Issues: A performance issue is the elephant in millions of bedrooms. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that erectile dysfunction affects 26% of men under the age of 40. While sexual performance anxiety (SPA) isn't formally recognized as a diagnosis for men or women, it's a serious problem that can inhibit both sexual performance and desire. While 9% to 25% of men struggle with SPA, up to 16% of women are also affected.

Any of these common sexual issues that people can face at various stages of life can cause withdrawal from sex. For the person pulling away, there are often feelings of shame and inadequacy. For the person who is seeing their partner pull away, there are feelings of rejection and anger. The reality is that there isn't always a "fix" for dry spells. Lack of sex can sometimes mean that a relationship has run its course. However, plenty of couples are able to restore their sex lives if they are committed to fighting for better sexual and emotional intimacy.

What Can You Do If You've Stopped Having Sex in Your Relationship?

If you're experiencing tension, disconnection, or isolation in your relationship due to mismatched sexual chemistry, you may be struggling to have a conversation with your partner. What's more, past attempts to talk about the issue may have resulted in a partner blowing up or pulling away. Couples therapy or sex therapy can help couples struggling with unfulfilling or anxiety-provoking sex lives to find common ground. At Liberate Via Therapy, I offer a supportive setting where all topics related to love and sexuality are on the table. Please contact me today for a consultation.