Are You Struggling With a Spouse's Lack of Desire?

Don't rush to call it "rejection" if your spouse doesn't want sex. While having your advances ignored or rejected by the person you love can sting, this can become a springboard for deeper connection if you're willing to prioritize communication. It takes maturity to be genuinely curious about the "why" behind your partner's low sex drive instead of spiraling into feelings of resentment or self-pity.

The truth is that there could be many reasons why your partner doesn't want to engage in sexual activities. Not all of them necessarily come down to you doing something wrong. However, most causes of strained intimacy come down to miscommunication, mismatched perceptions, and emotion-based fluctuations in desire, often influenced by factors like hormone levels, mental health conditions, and even daily stress management.

Understanding the Complexities of Sexual Desire

Recognizing the complexities of sexual desire, which can be influenced by a variety of factors such as hormone levels, mental health, and even physical health conditions, is crucial.

For instance, testosterone and estrogen play a significant role in libido, while medical conditions like heart disease or the use of certain medications such as blood pressure drugs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can affect sexual functioning. Lifestyle factors like exercise, alcohol, or drug use also have a profound impact on sexual health.

Moreover, psychological factors such as unresolved conflicts, stress, and mental health conditions like depression can contribute to a loss of libido. It's essential to consider these aspects, alongside relationship issues, when addressing a lack of sexual desire.

There Are Two Main Types of Sexual Arousal

One of the things that can make sexual intimacy both complicated and exciting is that we can experience different types of arousal at different points in our lives. One of the big things that can cause couples to feel mismatched is a difference in their default arousal types. Did you know that arousal can either be expressed as a spontaneous arousal or a build-up/responsive form of desire?

For people with spontaneous desire, a random "sexy thought" can trigger the desire for sex. They are then fully "ready to go." To their partner, it may appear as though they are initiating sex out of the blue. When both people in the relationship have spontaneous desire, it can appear that they simply can't keep their hands off of each other.

Several things make spontaneous desire complicated. First, even people who start with a style of intimacy that's fueled by spontaneous desire often begin to experience a "leveling off" of the feel-good hormones produced by newness to sex, "new relationship" energy, or any combination of the two. In some cases, the fading of spontaneous desire may only impact one person in the relationship, potentially leading to relationship issues or a loss of libido.

The truth is that the fading of responsive desire isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's also not an indication of a loss of attraction towards a partner or a sexual arousal disorder. However, it can cause conflict when a person with spontaneous desire is paired with someone with responsive desire. When someone has responsive desire, their arousal goes deeper than mere biological urges.

Being "in the mood" is based on factors that cover social, cultural, and relational aspects of their sexuality. While spontaneous desire works like a switch that can be turned on and off, responsive desire is triggered by a series of different input sources. In general, a person with responsive desire will experience a desire to be intimate when they feel safe, secure, connected, and desired. Desire is fueled by feedback from a partner that is tender, nurturing, and safe.

The Role of the Nervous System in Sexual Desire

The parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) is responsible for sexual arousal. PNS responses are involuntary. However, our physical and mental states can help to determine our body's ability to become aroused. It's important to know that the parasympathetic nervous system consists of a network of nerves that help to relax the body following periods of stress. Researchers refer to the PNS as the body's "rest and digest" system. Our PNS helps us to feel calm and relaxed.

Interestingly, researchers have also found that stimulation of parasympathetic neurons is what helps to transmit erection-inducing signals from the sacral spine to the penile blood vessels in order to trigger and sustain erections. When a person is in a fight-or-flight state, the central nervous system may never get to the stage of relaxation needed for sexual arousal to occur. If you're asking why a wife doesn't want to have sex, why a husband doesn't want sex, or anything else along those lines, you may actually need to change the question to get the answer you need. Why doesn't my partner feel safe and secure enough to experience desire?

Ways to Connect When a Partner Doesn't Want Sex

First, communication is the most important tool to use when you are trying to get to the bottom of why your partner is struggling with loss of sex drive. The fact that you're interested in understanding their point of view alone can begin to help them experience the connection they need to feel safe enough to be turned on.

The truth is that most people who experience reduced sex drive would like to resume healthy, thriving sex lives. Most aren't trying to punish their partners. They simply need the right environment to feel safe being sexually vulnerable. Here's a look at some ways to restore sexual compatibility.

Talk About It

The emotional satisfaction and closeness in a relationship are as crucial as the physical aspect when it comes to maintaining a healthy sex life. Techniques like stress management, breathing exercises, and even Kegel exercises can enhance both physical and emotional intimacy.

For some, exploring sexual fantasies and trying new sexual activities can reignite the spark. It's important to maintain a healthy relationship through quality time and emotional closeness, which can lead to an increase in sexual desire and satisfaction.

Factor In Potential Physical Issues

For premenopausal and postmenopausal women, issues like vaginal dryness or hormonal changes can lead to discomfort during sexual contact, affecting their sexual drive. Treatments like estrogen creams or hormone supplements might be necessary.

Likewise, for men, understanding the levels of testosterone and its impact on sexual attraction is vital. Testosterone therapy, under the guidance of a healthcare provider, can be a viable option for some.

Prioritize Quality Time

The rift can grow larger after a couple has stopped connecting sexually if one partner feels like they are constantly being badgered for sex. If you want to spark a deeper connection in the bedroom, the effort has to start very far away from the bedroom. Try a restaurant, beach, amusement park, or some other setting that you know your partner enjoys. Spending quality time together is one of the best ways to spark desire for partners with spontaneous and responsive desires. Inherently romantic date nights are great for this! However, any type of activity that provides fun and connection while taking the focus off of the bedroom can also be great.

Try New Things

One thing that can be especially helpful for stirring up feelings of desire is trying new things together. According to research, excitement enhances emotional arousal. This is one of the reasons why your sex life may have been so exciting back when you used to do adventurous things together when your relationship was new. That doesn't mean you need to start jumping from airplanes or surfing in shark-infested water together just to ramp up your sex life. According to a 2015 study that examined different ways couples can maintain excitement, simply engaging in activities that are playful, spontaneous, romantic, exciting, and satisfying can be enough.

Share Your Desires

One important thing for someone who has spontaneous arousal to know is that arousal types can ultimately be boiled down to feeling sexy in your body versus feeling sexy in your mind. People with responsive arousal styles tend to be stimulated mentally before they are stimulated physically. This is where communicating your desire before simply "pouncing" on your partner when you feel turned on can make a big difference. Sharing your desires in an open, safe environment can help to open up the pathways to connecting on new emotional and physical levels.

Give Therapy a Try

Of course, therapy is always an option for couples feeling overwhelmed by mismatched sexual desire. Couples might find it beneficial to consult healthcare providers who can help navigate these complex interactions and suggest treatments for desire disorders, such as hormone replacement therapy, cognitive-behavioral techniques, or couples therapy. This is a topic I deal with daily at my practice. Contact me for a consultation today!