Why Fathers Should Show More Affection Toward Their Kids
Description: Black father smiling down at his infant child while seated on a blue hammock surrounded by light-colored pillows. The father has medium length hair and is wearing a pink shirt and blue jeans, while the child wears a collared blue button-up shirt and looks up at the father.
Written by Jose Pinal, LMFT | Date 04/14/2023
Are we underestimating the importance of the father factor in developing emotional health? Deeply entrenched beliefs about "what makes men men" have caused many fathers to take a cold, distant, or antagonist stance toward their sons. These men have been given the advice that being affectionate or emotionally vulnerable with their sons will make them "soft." Entire generations of men have never heard their fathers say "I love you" to them, been hugged regularly, or received routine emotional affection. New data is emerging to show us why fathers should show more affection to their kids.
How Affection From a Father Fosters Emotional Health
The benefits of having an emotionally available, affectionate father include better emotional regulation, secure attachment, and an ability to communicate emotions. When we're starved of a warm fatherly connection, aspects of our social-emotional development can suffer. A 2011 study by researchers at the University of Maryland that looked at 500 children from across the country found that early father-child relationships are crucial for fostering well-being. Interestingly, children who felt "liked" and "understood" by their fathers tended to have more positive friendships. They were also less likely to have behavioral problems. Researchers were able to conclude that the quality of the father-child relationship was a key predictor of social adjustment in children.
A 2021 study out of Southern Illinois University found a connection between experiencing greater affection from a father and having higher self-esteem. For fathers who find being affectionate difficult due to the fact that affection simply wasn't something they experienced growing up, there's some good news. Researchers have pinpointed "play" as an effective form of affection for fostering strong father-child relationships.
A 2020 research review from the University of Cambridge that looked at about 80 studies linked to the impact of a father's play on the development of babies and toddlers found that children who experienced greater father-child physical play, toy play, and active play had better self-regulation and social and emotional well-being. However, the way that play plays out matters. When fathers were intrusive or controlling during play, this actually led to poorer self-regulation in children. Fathers who participated in child-led, lighthearted play were able to nurture improvements in self-regulation and emotional well-being.
What have we learned? Active, present fathers who are both tenderly and playfully affectionate with children can make a world of difference for self-regulation, self-esteem, and the ability to form positive relationships with others. Unfortunately, long-held, innately homophobic assumptions about showing fatherly affection to sons have caused many fathers to take a cold, distant, or authoritative stance out of fear that they will "raise a wimp." Science says otherwise!
Is Lack of Affection a Cycle You Want to Break?
If you're a father struggling to show your children the affection that was never shown to you, you're taking an amazing step in breaking this cycle simply by exploring another way. I strongly encourage you to enter the therapeutic process to begin breaking down the barriers that are preventing you from having a full, nourishing relationship with your children. If you're a son struggling with self-regulation, relationships, or feelings of unworthiness because you had an "old school" dad who saw affection as a weakness, I encourage you to dive into this wound in a safe therapeutic setting.
